I haven’t written a poem in almost a year (gasp). And we all know I haven’t been keeping up with this blog. And the 146 Poems of Love project is chugging along, but if truth be told, when I come home at night after a long day of work, it’s not usually the first thing I feel like delving into…
I’ve been in a real writing rut the last several months, and it’s depressed me a little, and it’s also scared me to death (Am I LOSING it?! If this is what I went to school for, what I decided almost fifteen years ago that I wanted to make my life out of, if this is my dream, the reason I moved to New York City and the thing I’ve told everyone, told myself, is my true love and passion, and now I’m not doing it, and honestly don’t even feel like doing it…then what the hell am I supposed to do now?!?).
I know deep down I’m still in love with writing. And I know it’s still what I want to do…what I’m still going to do (hopefully for a very long time).
It’s just hard. Hard to find the time. Hard to find the energy. Hard to make it a priority. Hard to want to do it when I am surrounded by hundreds of distractions in this city that never sleeps. Hard to believe I can do it when I am surrounded by hundreds of other writers who are really “going somewhere”(and seem to be going there much faster than me).
I’ve spent the last week reading through all my “writing how-to” and “writing inspiration” books, and searching through old notes from lectures I attended on writing...Every book, every lecture, every article of advice says the same thing: Just sit down at the damn desk, and write something. Anything.
I keep trying to find something else, maybe plan or outline a little more, find another way to make this happen, but there isn’t one, is there? I think I really began this whole “career” of writing based out of a feeling and I got caught up in the romance and adventure of it all. But what I’m learning is that writing isn’t about feeling at all. We can write from feeling, or about something we feel passionately about, but if the writing itself was about feeling, I don’t think it would ever happen in the first place. I can count on my fingers the number of times in the past five or six years I have felt like writing. However, the feeling that comes from actually doing it, and the feelings you find yourself expressing through it, and seeing how your writing makes others feel, is what makes it all worth it in the end.
It’s just awfully hard to remember that, when I’m sitting here on a beautiful winter-turned-spring day, with to-do lists a mile long, and dinner to be cooked, and errands to run, and a movie to be watched, and a billion more excuses racing through my head, and my quiet little notebook just sitting there in the corner, empty but calling my name…
Tuesday
Friday
Tuesday
January 17, 2012
small snowfall late last night.
finally.
mostly melted now, but it was a lovely, happy thing…
Saturday
Thursday
December 22, 2011
One of the best things about my job is that I get payed to make arts and crafts every day. And I have fourteen little kids to help me. This year, the director of my school declared an official holiday decorating competition between all the classrooms. I love Christmas. I also really like to win. So I went a little crazy with my kids and turned our classroom into Santa’s workshop. We have done nothing but paint and glue and cut and glitter everything in sight for the last two weeks… We made giant six-foot candy canes, a huge floor-to-ceiling fireplace, covered walls in wrapping paper to look like enormous presents, and suspended a miniature sleigh with all the reindeer. Here are some of the results:
We had a blast decking the halls (or at least, I did…I finally had one of my kids tell me a couple of days ago: Miss Amber, I DO NOT want to paint ANYTHING ELSE! before tossing his half-finished stocking aside and stomping over to the Legos).
A few of you have been asking about how the project is going…I got a bit behind with the holidays, working extra hours, and traveling in and out of town quite a bit the last couple months. I have completed the forms for all contributors, and will be sending them out very soon. Once that is done, and the hustle and bustle slows a bit, I will officially begin putting the book together.
This book building process – especially one with so many different ideas and concepts, themes, authors, photographers, and artists – is completely new to me. Parts of the process are taking longer or are a bit trickier than I anticipated. I cannot make any promises as to the specifics/publishing date/etc. yet, but I CAN promise that before 2012 is over, this project will be complete and you will all be able to hold this book in your hands! I will post more updates here (and on Twitter: www.twitter.com/its_just_am) as things progress. Thank you for your patience…
This book building process – especially one with so many different ideas and concepts, themes, authors, photographers, and artists – is completely new to me. Parts of the process are taking longer or are a bit trickier than I anticipated. I cannot make any promises as to the specifics/publishing date/etc. yet, but I CAN promise that before 2012 is over, this project will be complete and you will all be able to hold this book in your hands! I will post more updates here (and on Twitter: www.twitter.com/its_just_am) as things progress. Thank you for your patience…
Sunday
December 11, 2011
It’s that time of year again to make resolutions. I am an obsessive list maker. I make multiple lists every day. I love organizing my thoughts and goals and the things I need to do. This is one of the reasons I always love coming into a New Year: I get to make the ultimate list.
However, as good as I usually am about checking off the items on my lists, I have been especially bad the last two or three years about sticking with my resolutions. I think this happens mostly because my resolution lists tend to be on the long side, and I feel a little stretched and scattered throughout the year trying to make them all happen. I also usually really want the things on my list to happen or be accomplished throughout the month of January, and then real life starts to happen again and other things start to gain priority or distract me or I realize maybe those things weren’t really things I needed or wanted or had time to do after all.
I recently began working on a “bucket list” journal. I’ve kept a bucket list for five or six years now, adding things every once in a while over the years, things that I know I must do or see or have. I have never changed my mind about anything on the list (with the exception of skydiving…) and the list only gets longer. Some of the things I’ve wanted since I was five or six years old, some of the things have actually happened, or at least half-happened.
So…for 2012, I’ve decided not to make another giant list that may end up tossed aside or stay taped up on my wall to stare at me every day for a year and then make me feel guilty all over again come next December. Instead, I’m going to focus on my bucket list. I’d like to fully accomplish at least two or three of my bucket list dreams. I’m pretty excited…
However, as good as I usually am about checking off the items on my lists, I have been especially bad the last two or three years about sticking with my resolutions. I think this happens mostly because my resolution lists tend to be on the long side, and I feel a little stretched and scattered throughout the year trying to make them all happen. I also usually really want the things on my list to happen or be accomplished throughout the month of January, and then real life starts to happen again and other things start to gain priority or distract me or I realize maybe those things weren’t really things I needed or wanted or had time to do after all.
I recently began working on a “bucket list” journal. I’ve kept a bucket list for five or six years now, adding things every once in a while over the years, things that I know I must do or see or have. I have never changed my mind about anything on the list (with the exception of skydiving…) and the list only gets longer. Some of the things I’ve wanted since I was five or six years old, some of the things have actually happened, or at least half-happened.
So…for 2012, I’ve decided not to make another giant list that may end up tossed aside or stay taped up on my wall to stare at me every day for a year and then make me feel guilty all over again come next December. Instead, I’m going to focus on my bucket list. I’d like to fully accomplish at least two or three of my bucket list dreams. I’m pretty excited…
(A small handful of the dreams…)
Tuesday
November 29, 2011
For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes.
~Dag Hammarskjold
I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: this time of year is what I live for. I begin my countdown on January 1st to fall and the holiday season. But somehow, I feel like it’s all getting away from me this year…flying by too fast for me to really revel in it and appreciate it. Or maybe I have just been doing an especially bad job of living in the moment and have been letting it all slip by unnoticed.
This week I’ve been reading through so many blogs and tweets and Facebook updates talking about things people are thankful for. It’s been beautiful and inspiring, and it has also made me realize that I’ve been neglecting keeping up with my own many blessings in all the hustle and bustle and getting ahead of myself lately. I meant to take some pictures over the holiday and give a little update about my own thanks-giving, but, as seems to be my habit lately, I just couldn’t seem to find the time. So instead, I made a list of one hundred things that I’ve been thankful for, or appreciated (or forgotten to appreciate), or loved, or been inspired by in the last week or so. And I really did feel truly thankful when I came to number one hundred, and realized I could have kept going for quite some time…
1. My family: Mom, Dad, Ty, Michaela, Micah, Jasmine, and Honour.
2. Friendships. Those that I’m just building, those that I’m working to re-kindle, and those that have been around for ages.
3. My mom’s homemade mashed potatoes.
4. And her secret recipe apple pie.
5. Yoda, the cat.6. A big shelf of books.
7. A warm and sunny weekend.
8. A fireplace at my family’s house (and the open invitation to come use it all winter…).
9. Free music.
10. Opportunity.
11. A warm apartment.
12. The fact that the children I teach love using glitter for art projects as much as I do…
13. A job…even if it is really hard sometimes.
14. Endless possibilities…
15. A big sale on Dr. Pepper at Target…
16. And my dad’s willingness to drive me back home after the holiday so I could transport it all after stocking up.
17. Great landlords…a rare thing in this city.
18. Christmas tree-scented candles.
19. Health.
20. The freedom to make my own choices.
21. Twinkle lights in all the New York City trees.
22. Twinkle lights all over my room.
23. All the 146 Poems of Love contributors (update coming very soon…).
24. Art supplies.
25. Netflix.
26. Hershey’s Candy Cane Kisses.
27. Working WiFi.
28. Good poetry.
29. Good writing.
30. Inspiring ideas.
31. Encouraging words.
32. Pizza.
33. Europe…and the dream of being there one day.
34. Good deals.
35. Patience.
36. Clorox wipes.
37. A few vacation days…with more on the way!
38. Common sense (most of the time…).
39. Handwritten letters.
40. Mystery and magic and wonder.
41. Happy memories.
42. Old photographs.
43. Horses.
44. Thick, cozy scarves.
45. Fingerless gloves.
46. Escalators.
47. Christmas tree lots.
48. Apple cider.
49. Advil.
50. The New York City skyline.
51. Snow.
52. Starbucks’ holiday cups…even if I don’t drink their coffee.
53. Christmas music.
54. Christmas movies.
55. Burt’s Bees chapstick.
56. The tiny little (sparkly) Christmas tree from my mom (that I am desperately trying to keep alive).
57. Silence.
58. The sound of bells (especially sleigh bells).
59. Comfort.
60. The stars.
61. Really crunchy leaves on the ground.
62. Goals and dreams.
63. Good people.
64. The color red.
65. Options.
66. Clean water to drink.
67. Children’s stories.
68. The bravery of those around me.
69. The Dictionary.
70. Forgiveness.
71. Staying up late because I’m too excited or inspired or entertained or happy to sleep…
72. …And then getting to sleep in a little late.
73. Board games.
74. An education.
75. Italian restaurants.
76. Discovering others who also hate the Kindle/Nook/fake books…
77. Train rides.
78. Accomplishing something.
79. Sparkly nailpolish.
80. Kindness.
81. Christmas secrets.
82. Clean laundry.
83. Unexpected surprises.
84. Super cozy star pj pants from Gap on a big sale (I could only find them online in the maternity section, but they have them in stores in non-maternity sizes).
85. Funny, witty people.
86. The sound of a saxophone being played on a New York City sidewalk.
87. Another new beginning each morning when I wake up.
88. Inside jokes.
89. Postcards.
90. Deep breaths.
91. Remembering with someone.
92. A really good notebook.
93. Small miracles.
94. Old hymns.
95. Waffles.
96. The giant pile of pillows on my bed.
97. Daydreams.
98. Flip-flops (even in the winter time…).
99. The sky.
100. Hope.
Friday
11.11.11 (make a wish...)
I know there are still 43 days ‘til Christmas, but I’ve been celebrating for several weeks now…
Yoda (my naughty cat) is preventing me from buying a real tree this year, but my tiny bedroom has been filled with holiday cheer and that Christmas tree smell anyway thanks to Yankee Candle’s “Home for Christmas”…(After Christmas 2010 the votives went on sale at Target for about thirty cents and I stocked up!)
And this week’s favorite (and probably very over-played) Christmas albums to keep my holly jolly spirit up: Chuck E. Costa’s “All is Calm”, Hanson’s “Snowed In”, Annie Lennox’s “Christmas Cornucopia”, Sting’s “If on a Winter’s Night”, Over the Rhine’s “Snow Angel”, and “Christmas with Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra”.
Next on the list to keep my heart and home filled with Christmas joy…tracking down some Hershey’s Candy Cane Kisses and cutting out more snowflakes to hold me over ‘til the real stuff comes…
Tuesday
November 1, 2011
November is National Novel Writing Month. And because I have severely neglected my own writing for the past several months, I have decided to unofficially participate. I have had a book – or the general idea of one – waiting within me for over a year now, and I have successfully put off actually beginning it for way too long. I had planned on completing at least 100 pages of it by the end of 2011 as one of my resolutions, but alas, the first page has still not grown beyond a paragraph or two.
So, rather than complete an entire novel, my November writing goal is to complete one hundred full, 12pt font, Microsoft Word documents by 11:59pm on November 30th. And tonight, to begin it all, I will complete page one…
So, rather than complete an entire novel, my November writing goal is to complete one hundred full, 12pt font, Microsoft Word documents by 11:59pm on November 30th. And tonight, to begin it all, I will complete page one…
Sunday
October 23, 2011
It has been awhile…
Enjoying the beauty of NYC in the fall…the cooler weather is here to stay. Green leaves are slowly shifting into yellows, oranges, and reds. There are pumpkins…everywhere. And Christmas music has begun to find its way onto my playlists…
I am also missing my little brother.
The thing I love about Ty is that when he decides he wants to do something, he does it. He began telling people when he was five that he would move to Africa one day to help the people there.
And a couple weeks ago he left for Liberia to help build a school for a very poor community. It was a beautiful thing watching him make his dream come to life over the last several months, finally doing what he believes he was always meant to do.
It is a brave and scary thing. But there is no feeling quite like accomplishing something you have wanted more than anything else. It is inspiring.
He began a blog about the adventure though he has very limited internet access so it isn’t updated too often.
He is also currently working with a different project than his site says, so if you’d like to get more news or would like to donate, contact me (not the organization listed on the blog) and I will put you on his mailing list and/or give you the correct info for donations…
October 2, 2011
My new writing buddy, Yoda.
146 Poems of Love update: Most notifications have been sent out…I fell a bit behind schedule this past week and there are still a few left…I will be sending those in the next couple days (really!)…Thank you for your patience!And thank you so much again to everyone who has been a part of this project! I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to read your stories and see your beautiful work. I will continue to post updates here (and on Twitter: www.twitter.com/its_just_am) about the project as it progresses…
Monday
August 29, 2011
Every Monday morning before I get to my classroom, my co-teacher gathers all the pencils, sharpens them, and leaves them in a neat bundle on the counter. It is a lovely sight, and I manage to find excuses all day long to jot small notes and lists and reminders, just so I can try each one. There is nothing quite like writing with a perfectly sharpened pencil… Such a happy thing.
August 22, 2011
I had the honor of being a guest blogger this weekend on wishstudio…It’s a wonderful site full of tips, resources, and inspiration for artists and writers. I am so thankful for another opportunity to spread the word about the 146 Poems of Love project. You can read my post here…
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