I realized last week that for the first time since I moved
to NYC five years ago, it finally feels like home. I used to feel as though this
city owned me. I had to scramble just to keep my head above water. I didn’t
dare give tourists directions because most of the time I would discover I sent
them in the wrong direction. I felt like an outsider, like a tiny speck in a
place unknowable and hectic...
I don’t feel like that anymore. I still have
moments that are hard, stressful, uncertain, expensive...and don’t ask
me how to get anywhere in Brooklyn because I still avoid that place like the
plague...but I’m finally fully comfortable here. I have my routines. I have my
regular spots where they know my order when I walk in. I have mastered subway
etiquette. I’ve even learned how to casually pass by celebrities without making
a fool of myself (unless it’s Bono...or a Hanson...or Zach Braff...).
I decided I would move to New York City when I was ten years
old. My family came here for a day to visit and I ate bad pizza at Sbarro in
Times Square and saw my first Broadway show (Cats...and I don’t care what they
say, it was awesome). I remember I had never seen buildings so tall, or crowds so large, and feeling so small, and yet exhilarated to be among them. I remember looking through the viewfinders on top of the
Empire State Building and overhearing someone say that if you dropped a coin
from way up there it could kill someone down below if it hit them on the head
and being horrified...I remember being allowed to pick out 10 New York City
postcards for just a dollar and being so overwhelmed by the choices because the city
looked so fantastic in every one. I only sent half of them to friends and kept the
rest, and I still have them to this day because after that visit I hung them up
on my wall for years as a reminder of the day my dream was
born...I remember my dad carrying me piggy back down the streets at the end of the day because my feet hurt so bad, and smelling like the hot, sticky sweet of a
New York City summer and being so in love and so happy and overflowing with
that something that I knew only this city
could satisfy. And always, always, I remember those lights. That bright magic
of Midtown found its way into my dreams, and for years could blind me from
everything else I ever thought I wanted... I would be back.
And here I am, seventeen years later.
A lot of people keep asking why I am going if I love it here
so much, and I really don’t have a good answer. It’s really just a feeling...a
little nudge in the corner of my heart telling me it’s time...time to get a
little scared again...time to meet new people in new places...maybe rediscover
places I used to love and have forgotten during my time here...work on my
ever-growing bucket list while I can...live in a place where I can afford to pay
rent without having a bunch of crazy Craigslist roommates...
This city is all-consuming. I have learned you cannot live here
half-heartedly. It requires all of you...mind, body, spirit, and every dollar in
your wallet. It really only gives back when you invest yourself like this... I am
a restless person in love with many things, and it’s time to invest myself in them
now, at least for awhile.
There is still much world to see, and I have found that it is
actually quite possible to get a little stuck within a dream, despite how
magical it may seem.
It is time to get unstuck. Loosen my hold on these routines
and this security and safety I have managed to find buried beneath the city’s
pounding pace and sounds. I think security maybe sabotages things a bit, makes
me take the magic around me for granted. Makes me a little too comfortable to
keep going after the goals and smaller dreams that came bundled with my move to
It will be good to take a break. Breathe a little deeper. Walk a little slower. Re-examine and prioritize the other dreams I've been holding on to...
I can’t say how long I’ll be gone. This has been one crazy
love affair, and I may be drawn back to these bright lights after only a few
months, or maybe this is a much longer goodbye...the forever kind.
All I have left to say at the end of it all is Thank You.
Thank you to every one of you beautiful people who have
become a part of my life here. To all the friends I’ve made...to friends who have
become more like my family...I am blessed, and I would not have found my place
Thank you to all the amazing human beings I didn’t get to
know, but that are a part of my days here. All the crazy, unique, irritating,
mean, generous, tough, lovely people I sit next to on the A express, pass every
day on the sidewalks, elbow in the checkout lines...the lives I feel I have grown
to know without ever learning your names...thank you for creating this amazing
You are all why I learned to toughen up, to walk fast, to
let things go, to turn my music off and put my book down once in a while so I
can take it all in. You are why the magic exists.
I leave in about a month...
I go with an ache, a grief, and a sense of gratitude and awe
that could only be inspired by a place so great as New York City…
After wrapping up the 146 : a collection of love stories project, I have greatly missed seeing poems spilling into my inbox each week... I would love to get to keep reading your poems (or stories, or see your art and photographs) and would like to start sharing some of them here on The Stars Spilled!
Send your poem/s (and etc.) here: email@example.com
A couple years ago I bought a big fancy camera with grand plans of taking brilliant, gorgeous photos for the blog, my books, my Etsy, for friends, as a side job, etc... The only problem was that I read the whole manual...twice...and learned nothing except how to turn the camera on and snap a pic in the automatic mode. No fancy tricks, no special zooming and focusing and light plays and whatever else pro-photographers know how to do to impress us with their images. I moved on to YouTube tutorials, but couldn't get through them. BORING. I'd rather take ugly pictures. However, after joining Pinterest recently I kept finding myself re-inspired by the beautiful images people take, and have decided it's about time I learn how to actually use this thing... I stumbled across a random "Photo Challenge" someone posted and decided to tackle it as a way to explore my camera, as well as all the cool photo editing programs available... I'm currently still shooting in automatic, but have grand plans to switch over and try some new techniques as the challenge continues (or at least will just try pushing some of these fancy buttons!).
Week 1: Self-Portrait
(Wanted to play with light...and failed miserably. I'm holding a starry sky globe which I hoped would cast some cool pin points of light around, but I had to hold it so close for any light to show up that the globe ended up in every pic...and then you really couldn't see the bits of light, anyway. On the upside, I learned how to use the camera's timer!)
It's a little space filled with stars, whimsy, sparkle and magic...
Here's a bit of the shop's story...and a bit of the reason it has taken so very long to officially open for business:
Once upon a time, an artist and writer living in New York City had many little ideas that she wanted to make come true. And so, she decided to open her very own Etsy shop and fill it with stars and glitter and magic and dreaming. She soon began her first project and worked for hours, which turned into days, measuring, cutting, and filling tiny jars with stars. Finally, she was finished, and had a lovely collection to begin her shop. To celebrate the grand opening, she went out for a nice walk and a delicious breakfast of pancakes. However, she returned a couple hours later to a trail of sparkles and stars all over the apartment. The trail led to a very naughty and guilt-filled kitten who sat in the middle of a large pile of spilled stars and broken jars, with glitter covering his paws. And so, the grand opening was postponed, but the shop found its name, The Stars Spilled, and in the end everyone, including the kitten, found a happy (and rather sparkly) ever after...
This is only the first small batch of items...More will be added each week, including: handpainted notecards, gift tags, fairy doors, garlands, etc.
If there is something specific you'd like to see, especially if it's sparkly, let me know! I have been doing custom ordered art for the past few months and would love to do more...it keeps me in my happy place...
"Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic."
Spent a couple of hours finding bits of magic hiding among the dusty shelves of Whitlock's Book Barn this past week...
I found a few vintage Nancy Drews to add to my collection, and then spent the rest of the time inhaling the sweet scent of wisdom and romance that only really old books have...and petting horses. My favorite kind of day...